SoC: Survive

God I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I can’t stress how much I miss her God it hurts Make it stop hurting My heart is on fire I can’t breathe God IT HURTS I can’t take it can’t stand it can’t tolerate it ANYMORE I’ve got to go got to run got to get OUT OUT OUT

Driving me crazy this hurt this pain this pathetic EXISTENCE Can’t take it anymore Slam the door Harder Shake the walls Crack the world right open I just have to let it out I’m going to explode It hurts so much I want to cry I want to scream I want to tear at my hair just to relieve the pain Drink myself to numbness forgetfulness slumber Scratch love from my arms and replace it with cuts and scars and trickling blood Beat myself until I break Break myself until I can’t be fixed That’s not how it goes no no no Don’t hurt myself Punch the wall Kick the tree Beat my fists against Ol’ Reliable’s hood Scream at the sky Curse anyone everyone Hate life the world whatever god is watching me Hate everything

Faster faster faster Have to go faster Can’t slow down Driving stupid recklessly way too fast Faster faster faster Backroads so dark can’t see anything Like it that way So dark Dark dark dark Like my heart Darker Faster Swerve Please don’t crash Please crash Spinning spinning spinning Dizzy terrified relieved Maybe it will end maybe maybe maybe No not spinning Just my head just my head Crazy insane lightheaded Slow down Dizzy can’t see Can’t tell up from down Have to stop Scream Scream and scream and scream Sob Try to breathe Can’t breathe lungs won’t work Slam fists against dashboard try to breathe try to get in air Chest tight too tight Know I’m having an asthma attack know I have to calm down but can’t Can’t can’t can’t Can’t calm down Can’t stop crying Need to stop NEED TO BREATHE

Window is cold against my forehead Chill calms me down Mind reels Can finally breathe Tears burn down my face I feel awful terrible sick dizzy I’m going to pass out have to stay focused Don’t let go hang on keep my eyes open A little better No worse The pain is still there pulse strengthening ravaging my mind my heart my body Expanding growing too big crushing me suffocating me I CAN’T TAKE IT

Crying screaming hurting aching fighting cursing struggling Have to keep it together Have to keep on going Can’t break down Have to pick myself back up keep on going keep on moving No time to waste no time to cry Pick the pieces back up tape myself together best as I can That’s it all I can do This is it Have to take the pain and survive That’s all I can do Survive